music & the broken wordMusic and the Broken Word
Songs for Alternate Voices
Lyrics by Paul Toscano
Illustrations by Cal Grondahl

on the cover:
“Come, come ye saints,” no quip nor punchline fear. If you’re up for Mormon satire, Music and the Broken Word is the book for you. With a quiver full of lyrical arrows, Paul Toscano hits the bull’s eye with his well-aimed zingers written to familiar tunes.

Not to be outdone, Cal Grondahl illuminates the text with his own inspired marginalia. This duet is guaranteed to make you giggle, grumble, gasp.

“A stunning satire.” —JONATHAN SWIFT

“Scandalous…Outrageous.” —CORRELATION

“It could use an edit.” —LAVINA FIELDING ANDERSON

“Authentic…One of a kind.” —M. HOFMANN

“A perfect libretto!” —W. A. MOZART

“A stench in my nostrils.” —B. YOUNG

“Won’erful, won’erful.” —L. WELK

“What?!” —L. VAN BEETHOVEN

“We are not amused.” —VICTORIA, REGINA

about the authors: A small cog in the great wheel of justice, Paul Toscano is an attorney with the Salt Lake City law firm of Cohne, Rappaport & Segal. He was formerly staff writer and gadfly at the Ensign magazine. Cal Grondahl, once cartoonist and whipping boy at the Deseret News, now plies his trade at the Standard-Examiner in Ogden.

title page:
Music and the Broken Word
Songs for Alternate Voices
Lyrics by Paul Toscano
Illustrations by Cal Grondahl
Signature Books
Salt Lake City
1991

copyright page:

Note: In the songs that follow, “NHB” refers to the new LDS hymn book published in 1985; “OHB” refers to the LDS hymn book published previous to that date.

∞ Printed on acid free paper
© 1991 by Signature Books, Inc. All rights reserved.
Signature Books is a registered trademark of Signature Books, Inc.

Manufactured in the United States of America.

95  94  93  92  91     6  5  4  3  2  1

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Toscano, Paul
Music and the Broken Word : songs for alternate voices / lyrics by Paul Toscano :  illustrations by Cal Grondahl.

p.   cm.
ISBN 0-941214-99-0
1. Mormon church—Humor. 2.Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—Humor. I. Title.
BX8638. T67 1991   91-31284
289.3’32’0207—dc20  CIP

Contents:
Acknowledgements, Disclaimer, and Warning …… 1
Behold! Our Great Statistics! …… 3
The Church Has Need of Worldly Praise …… 5
Each Carping Saint …… 7
‘Ere You Leave Your Room This Morning …… 9
Forty-seven East South Temple …… 11
Gently Falls the Sacred Rain …… 13
George P. Lee, the Lamanite …… 15
Glorious Things We Hear of Utah …… 17
God Has Called Them to the BYU …… 19
God Speed the Left …… 21
High in the Mountains Around Us …… 23
Home Alone …… 25
How Numerous the Commands …… 27
I Have Done So Much Good in the World Today …… 29
Let the Bombs Come Down …… 31
Let Us All Be Faith-Promoting …… 33
Let Us All Press On …… 35
Let Us All Speak Kind Words …… 37
Liberal Saints Love Toleration …… 39
A Mighty Buttress …… 41
More Confidence Give Me …… 43
Mormons Are Different from All Other Sects …… 45
My! How the Women Are Raging! …… 47
My Time Is Far Spent …… 49
Oh, How Early Comes the Morning! …… 51
O My Family …… 53
Our Image Was Poor …… 55
The Party Line …… 57
Praise Us to Whom All Blessings Flow …… 59
A Real Good Time …… 61
Summon All Those Members …… 63
Sweet Are My Doubts …… 65
There Is a Green Hill Far Away …… 67
There Is Sunstone in the Mail Today …… 69
The Times Are A-changing …… 71
We Are Church Employees …… 73
We Are Spending …… 75
We Mormons Wheresoe’er We Roam …… 77
We Must Confess …… 79
Wedding Song …… 81
Where We’re Going to Go …… 83
Who’s on the Lord’s Side …… 85
Ye Elders of Israel …… 87

Acknowledgements, Disclaimer, and Warning

[p.1] Go ahead, look at the cartoons. Enjoy yourself.

Then, after you get home, pull the shades, draw the drapes, belly up to the old spinet, and belt out a song or two. You’ll be amazed at how fast they’ll either release your pent-up tensions or raise your blood pressure. We’ve tried to include a song for every occasion: family reunions, ward parties, weddings, church courts.

To get the most out of this book, you need an LDS hymnal. If you have trouble reading the music and the lyrics at the same time, remember: If it’s not worth doing, it’s not worth doing well.

We’d like to acknowledge a number of people for helping us put this book together, but they said they’d sue if we did. We’d also like to thank all tha zany folks in Mormonism whose good-natured quirkiness provided much of the inspiration for this book. To them we say, have fun and don’t ever change.

Some people are probably not going to laugh at this book. We pretty much know who you are, and to you we can only say…no, we’re not going to refund your money.

We should also warn the unsuspecting that these songs have not been “correlated.” Some pieces should not be sung in the presence of children or people in polyester suits. If you’re a church leader and happen to like this book, for heaven’s sake don’t leave it lying around where anybody can see it; you’re supposed to be a good example. And, last but not least, if you hold an event and use these songs, that’s fine with us, but if you make any money, remember to send us our cut.

Paul and Cal