Music and the Broken Word
by Paul Toscano and Cal Grondahl

mormon hymn

BEHOLD! OUR GREAT STATISTICS!
(Sung to “Behold! A Royal Army!” [OHB, 7; NHB, 251])

[p.3] Behold! Our great statistics!
What do we have to fear?
We’re clearly now in better shape
Than we were just last year.
Just look at all our converts
Who’ve joined the growing throng.
We’ve baptized O so many.
Our methods can’t be wrong.
Counting sheep, counting sheep,
We look so good statistically.
Counting sheep, counting sheep,
It’s nothing to condemn.
Counting sheep is so much easier
Than feeding all of them.

Behold! Our splendid buildings!
Our universities!
Our ranches, farms, and malls; our stocks
and our securities!
How much we own’s a secret
That we have guarded close
And haven’t even told those
Who tithe upon the gross.
Making bucks, making bucks,
We look so good financially.
Making bucks, making bucks,
How much we will not say.
Making bucks is so much easier
Than kneeling down to pray.

Behold! Our great connections!
They’re growing day by day.
We’ve got some boys in Congress and
We’ve clobbered ERA.
We’ve nearly reached our goal to
Stand proud on our home sod
And dictate our commandments
To Washington and God.
Influence, influence,
We look so good politically.
Influence, influence,
We can afford the price.
Influence is so much easier
Than making sacrifice.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

THE CHURCH HAS NEED OF WORLDLY PRAISE
(Sung to “The World Has Need of Willing Men” [OHB, 206] or “Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel” [NHB, 252])

[p.5] The church has need of worldly praise.
It loves to be admired.
It thrills to hear non-Mormon say
That the Mormons are inspired.

[Chorus]
It’s the  praises of the world we adore.
We’ll do anything we can to get more.
We’ll change our ways from former days
For the praises of the world.

The church must have the world’s respect
In  order to grow fast.
And this is why it seeks to hide
Much of its quite quirky past.

[Chorus]

To fortify its self-esteem
Before the world’s gaze,
The church spurns judgment and reproach
And survives on its self-praise.

[Chorus]

The church, when it is criticized,
Recalls its ancient fears
And longs for the respect it had
In the Eisenhower years.

[Chorus]

• • • • •

mormon hymn

EACH CARPING SAINT
(Sung to “Each Cooing Dove” [OHB, 38])

[p.7] In summertime, in August’s heat,
In old Salt Lake, they come to meet.
They gather in from all around;
And that’s when her-esies abound.

[Chorus]
From far and near, Sunstoners come
To meet at their symposium.
There in the sul-try summer heat
That’s where the liberals come to bleat.

In hotel rooms they congregate
To gripe and moan and ventilate.
They gather in from everywhere
And that’s when bull dung hits the air.

[Chorus]

Each carping Saint, each grousing soul,
Can find a place, can have a role.
Each one can tell of pains and woes
And lead ano-ther by the nose.

[Chorus]

• • • • •

mormon hymn

‘ERE YOU LEAVE YOUR ROOM THIS MORNING
(Sung to “Ere You Left Your Room This Morning” [OHB, 31] or “Did You Think to Pray?” [NHB, 140])

[p.9] ‘Ere you leave your room this morning,
Young man, shave your face!
Three days’ worth of uncut stubble
Is the fast track into trouble
And into disgrace.

[Chorus]
BYU has rigid standards
Which the students here must live
So potential wealthy donors
Won’t refuse to give.

‘Ere you leave your room this morning,
Co-ed, don your bra!
We don’t want your huddled masses
Jiggling as you run to classes;
It’s against our law.

[Chorus]

“Ere you leave your rooms this morning,
Young folks, check your sleeves!
Naked shoulders, we’ve discovered,
Are too lewd to go uncovered.
One more of our peeves.

[Chorus]

‘Ere you leave your rooms this morning,
Women, check your skirts!
Hemlines should be at the knees, here,
For we’re clearly out to please, dear,
Just some old stuffed shirts.

[Chorus]

• • • • •

mormon hymn

FORTY-SEVEN EAST SOUTH TEMPLE
(Sung to “Holy Temple on Mount Zion” [OHB, 63; NHB, 289])

[p.11] Forty-seven East South Temple
That’s a building you must see.
Hub of church administration
Watched by church security.
Office of the Lord’s  anointed,
Where apostles may be found,
Guarded by God’s own gestapo,
Housed beneath the temple ground.

Forty-seven East South Temple
Is a closely guarded place.
Hidden cameras in this fortress
Scrutinize each entrant’s face.
Checkpoints keep out common members
Searching for religious truth.
Only those with real church business
May get past the sentry’s booth.

Forty-seven East South Temple,
Where surveillance is the best.
Former cops and federal agents
Guard the crossroads of the west.
Full of paranoid delusions,
They attempt to guarantee
That our modern, living prophets
Don’t confront reality.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

GENTLY FALLS THE SACRED RAIN
(Sung to “Gently Raise the Sacred Strain” [OHB, 92; NHB, 146])

[p.13] Gently falls the sacred rain.
It must be conference time again,
That great event, that great event,
Which the Latter-day Saints maintain
Is like Mardi Gras or Lent,
Is like Mardi Gras or Lent.

Gently comes that famous sound
From the meatiest choir around.
The choicest herd, the biggest yet.
When measured pound for pound,
It’s the soundest bargain yet.
It’s the soundest bargain yet.

Gently pressed in human stacks
On hard wooden pews, oh, our aching backs!
We cannot see! We cannot see!
Why don’t we just join the lax
And watch conference on TV?
And watch conference on TV?

• • • • •

mormon hymn

GEORGE P. LEE, THE LAMANITE
(Sung to “Book of Mormon Stories” [Sing with Me, Songs for Children, B-87])

[p.15] Book of Mormon stories
That my teachers read to me
Tell me of the Lamanites,
But not of George P. Lee.
Called to serve the people as
A church authority,
Hope of all
Lamanites,
George P. Lee.

To his “gentile” brothers, George
Began to make his plea.
For his race, they say, he claimed
Superiority.
If the church did not repent
He said that it would fail.
That’s when their
Faces turned
Much more pale.

Leaders of the church are not
Accustomed to rebukes,
At least not from lesser types
Whom they consider kooks.
They said to the Lamanite
“We have no need of thee.”
That’s the tale
Told about
George P. Lee.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

GLORIOUS THINGS WE HEAR OF UTAH
(Sung to “Glorious Things are Sung of Zion” [OHB, 243; NHB, 48])

[p.17] Glorious things we hear of Utah,
Mormon country in the west.
For no matter what is done there,
Those who do it, do it best.
There the people are more decent.
There is not a hint of sin.

There the women are contented.
And the men more masculine.

There is education better.
There the kids more well-behaved.
There the air is surely cleaner.
And the roads are better paved.
There the skiing is delightful.
There the snow is clean and pure.

There the cities have no litter.
And the farms have no manure.

There they have the best employers.
There the unions don’t exist.
There the folks are patriotic,
Happy, calm, and quite possessed.
There’s no porn and no massages,
And they water down your drink.

We’re so glad to be in Utah,
Where the doo-doo doesn’t stink.

[Note: The last two lines of each stanza are repeated in OHB.]