Music and the Broken Word
by Paul Toscano and Cal Grondahl

mormon hymn

OH, HOW EARLY COMES THE MORNING!
(Sung to “Oh, How Lovely was the Morning!” [OHB, 136] or “Joseph Smith’s First Prayer” [NHB, 26])

[p.51] Oh, how early comes the morning!
Seminary starts at seven.
If we learn to get there early,
We are told we will get to heaven.
Though the teacher wants to guide us
Through the scriptures in a search,
The main thing so far that we have learned there
Is to sleep while sitting up in church.

Though the lessons are quite boring
Our teacher’s not a waste.
He keeps telling us these stories
That he thinks will keep us chaste.
Though the best times we remember
Are the times he bares his soul.
Then he’ll lecture the entire hour
On the wickedness of rock and roll.

My attendance is not perfect.
But I’ve learned one thing for sure:
If we live the Word of Wisdom,
We will all stay clean and pure;
And by keeping the commandments
We’ll get rich and famous, too.
There’s one other thing that we have learned there:
That’s to always root for BYU.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

O MY FAMILY
(Sung to “O My Father” [OHB, 139; NHB, 292])

[p.53] We love to dwell on the pre-existence.
Of all our doctrines, we like it best.
Since no one knows one fool thing about it.
One’s guess is just as good as the rest.
It provides grist for bad Mormon fiction,
And it gives comfort to that great clan
Who think they’re saved by family connections,
Rather than by the gospel plan.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

OUR IMAGE WAS POOR
(Sung to “The Spirit of God Like a Fire” [OHB, 213] or “The Spirit of God” [NHB, 2])

[p.55] Our image was poor,
And not really respectable.
But thanks to all our P.R. folks,
It’s really become rich.
Now no one suspects
there is anything spiritual
Concealed deep beneath
All our sentimental kitsch.

The image we give to the world must be a pleasing one.
So hip hip and hurray! Give three cheers for P.R.!
Which makes us look so good and protects our credibility.
That’s how we cultivate the praises of the world and of men.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

THE PARTY LINE
(Sung to “When First the Glorious Light of Truth” [OHB, 198])

[p.57] We Mormons think that heaven is divided into three.
The highest heaven is saved for the Mormon family.
All others will forever remain outside and pine.
Though this isn’t Mormon doctrine,

It is still the party line.
It is still the party line.
Though this isn’t Mormon doctrine,
It is still the party line.

We Mormons think that up in heav’n we have a mother, too.
But what this Being may be like, we haven’t got a clue.
We’re told to just ignore her, ’til God gives us a sign.
Though this isn’t Mormon doctrine,

It is still the party line.
It is still the party line.
Though this isn’t Mormon doctrine,
It is still the party line.

We Mormons think the priesthood is exclusively for men.
We just ignore what Joseph promised women way back when.
Denying gals the priesthood, we think is rather fine.
Though this isn’t Mormon doctrine,

It is still the party line.
It is still the party line.
Though this isn’t Mormon doctrine,
It is still the party line.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

PRAISE US TO WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW
(Sung to “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow” [OHB, 214; NHB, 242])

[p.59] Praise us to whom all blessings flow.
Bless us, your favorite, here below.
Praise us above the heavenly host.
We are the ones you prize the most.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

A REAL GOOD TIME
(Sung to “God of Our Fathers, Known of Old” [OHB, 76 or 77; NHB, 80])

[p.61] It’s half past six,
The ward is here.
The party’s on.
There’s so much cheer.
The punch is red.
The Jello’s green.
The sloppy joes
Are none too lean.
The kids are screaming
Down the hall:
A real good time
For one and all.

By ten to seven,
The food is cold.
We all line up
Without being told.
The water’s warm,
Straight from the tap.
We sit and eat
On butcher wrap.
There is crepe-paper
On the wall:
A real good time
For one and all.

We’re not too good
At having fun.
By eight o’clock
The party’s done.
Tables and chairs are
Laid in stacks
And shoved beneath
The stage in racks.
We have obeyed
The bishop’s call:
A real good time
Was had by all.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

SUMMON ALL THOSE MEMBERS
(Sung to “Count Your Blessings” [OHB, 202] or “When Upon Life’s Billows” [NHB, 241])

[p.63] Summon all those members who have done research
On the doctrines and and the history of the church,
Who’ve collected journals or whose thoughts seem odd,
Mentioned plural marriage, or taught Adam-God.

[Chorus]
Excommunicate them one by one,
Or disfellowship them.
It’s such fun.
Church tribunals,
Given from above,
Even when in error
They are courts of love.

Where state courts are bound to act by rule or law,
Church tribunals are constrained by no such flaw.
On a baseless rumor or some hearsay facts,
They’ve been known to give some poor lost soul the axe.

[Chorus]

You can watch a church court function at its height,
When it is deciding if your doctrine’s right.
Should it find you wrong, recant; for you can still,
Come hell or high council, believe what you will.

[Chorus]

• • • • •

mormon hymn

SWEET ARE MY DOUBTS
(Sung to “Sweet is the Work, My God, My King” [OHB, 168] or “Sweet is the Work” [NHB, 147])

[p.65] Sweet are my doubts, my God, my King.
I love to question everything.
I challenge thee by morning light
And fondle all my qualms by night.

Sweet is the pain I’ve come to know.
So long as I can let it show.
For all my griefs I give thee thanks
And for my existential angst.

My heart shall triumph in my doubt.
I only pray I won’t find out
The truth of all that thou hast said
(That is, at least, until I’m dead).