Music and the Broken Word
by Paul Toscano and Cal Grondahl

mormon hymn

WE MORMONS WHERESOE’ER WE ROAM
(Sung to “All Creatures of Our God and King” [OHB, 4; NHB, 62])

[p.77] We Mormons wheresoe’er we roam
Albeit close or far from home,
We are special!
We are special!
Let Mormon converts’ voice raise.
Let old time members sing this praise.
We are special!
We are special!
We are special!
O praise us!
We are special!

We Mormons with a mom or dad,
We Mormons orphans should be glad,
We are special!
We are special!
Let Mormon families now rejoice.
Let Mormon singles find a voice.
We are special!
We are special!
O praise us!
We are special!

Our Mormon hearts should fill with joy
Because each Mormon girl and boy
Is so special!
Is so special!
O gentile world you’ll never see
A Mormon mediocrity.
For our special
Is more special
Than your special.
O praise us!
We’re so special!

• • • • •

mormon hymn

WE MUST CONFESS
(Sung to “Do What is Right” [OHB, 27; NHB, 237])

[p.79] Though we despise all Catholic traditions,
One Roman ritual we’ve now acquired.
That’s the confession we make to the bishop.
To regain purity, it is required.

We must lay all at the feet of the bishop.
He’s the confessor of our little ward.
To him we tell all our major transgressions,
Leaving the minor sins to tell the Lord.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

WEDDING SONG
(Sung to “Though in the Outward Church Below” [OHB, 102])

[p.81] At last our wedding day is here.
We’ve made it to the temple, dear.
We overcame the driving force
To have illicit intercourse.
And soon these nuptials they’ll conclude,
And then we’ll see each other nude
And then we’ll see each other nude.
And soon these nuptials they’ll conclude,
And then we’ll see each other nude.
And then we’ll see each other nude.

Now that our wedding night has come,
We both are feeling rather dumb.
It’s not so easy to be free
Of all those talks on chastity.
Please, darling, do not be a prude.
Let’s sleep together in the nude.
Let’s sleep together in the nude.
Please, darling, do not be a prude.
Let’s sleep together in the nude.
Let’s sleep together in the nude.

I wonder, darling, if we dare
Remove our Mormon underwear?
It’s doubtful that we’ll go to hell.
Let’s take them off and never tell.
Our folks would think that we were crude,
If they knew we slept in the nude,
If they knew we slept in the nude.
Our folks would think that we were crude,
If they knew we slept in the nude,
If they knew we slept in the nude.

It’s late and we don’t feel too good.
This has not turned out like it should.
As lovers we were quite a flop.
It’s clear we’ll have to practice up.
We hope that none will think us lewd,
If we keep drilling in the nude.
If we keep drilling in the nude.
We hope that none will think us lewd,
If we keep drilling in the nude.
If we keep drilling in the nude.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

WHERE WE’RE GOING TO GO
(Sung to “Hark, All Ye Nations” [NHB, 264])

[p.83] Follow the leaders through thick and thin
If we comply we’ll be free from sin.
They’ve got the pipeline right to the source
And can correct our course.

[Chorus]
Go to hell, that’s where we’re going to go
If we do not follow those who know
What we must do and what we must say
And who we must obey.

We keep our journals, read holy writ,
Pay our donations, and never quit
Going to the temple to save our dead.
It’s great to be spoon-fed.

[Chorus]

We raise our children close to the faith
So they won’t stray, at least, so we saith.
If we submit to both high and low,
We know where we will go.

[Chorus]

• • • • •

mormon hymn

WHO’S ON THE LORD’S SIDE?
(Sung to “Who’s on the Lord’s Side?” [OHB, 175; NHB, 260])

[p.85] Who’s on the Lord’s side, who?
There is a way to tell.
We righteous don’t wear beards,
We don’t say “damn” or “hell.”

We all wear three-piece suits.
We all avoid loud ties.
We speak in lowered tones
And have such lovely wives.

We’re on the Lord’s side, we.
The truth we must confess:
Just righteous men like us
Are blessed with such success.

• • • • •

mormon hymn

YE ELDERS OF ISRAEL
(Sung to “Ye Elders of Israel” [OHB, 344; NHB, 319])

[p.87] Ye Elders of Israel
Come join now with me.
We’ll seek out investigators
Where e’er they may be.
In desert, on mountain,
On land, or on sea,
We’ll broker their money,
And earn a fat fee.
O Babylon, O Babylon,
O joy to behold,
We’ll sell you our souls,
In exchange for your gold.

• • • • • • • • • •

mormon hymn

Also by Paul Toscano:

Gospel Letters to a Mormon Missionary

Invisible Religion in the Public Schools: Secularism, Neutrality, and the Supreme Court

Strangers in Paradox: Explorations in Mormon Theology (with Margaret Merrill Toscano)

Also by Cal Grondahl:

Freeway to Perfection

Faith-Promoting Rumors

Sunday’s Foyer

Marketing Precedes the Miracle

Utah and All That Jazz