Saintspeak
Orson Scott Card

paid clergy  Anyone who thinks that Seminary and Institute teachers are the paid clergy of the Mormon Church hasn’t seen one of their paychecks.

paradise  The minimum-security section of the spirit prison.

paradisical  A word that Mormons pronounce a hundred different ways, none of them correct. Just remember the phrase “part of a bicycle” and at least you’ll have the rhythm right.

passing the sacrament  An elaborate ritual in which nervous twelve-year-old boys try to remember whether they’re supposed to go to the back of the right side section or the front left corner of the center section, all the while making sure that the presiding authority gets first pick from the tray.

patriarchal blessing  1. A private scripture given to young members of the Church so that when they’re old they can see whether they were righteous enough for the promises to be fulfilled. 2. The source of the best rumors and folk doctrines in the Church. Rumor had it that Harold B. Lee’s patriarchal blessing promised that he would be president of the Church at the Second Coming; it is also rumored that the two prophets who will rise from the dead in jerusalem have already been told who they are in their patriarchal blessings. Everyone in the Church knows someone who knows someone who was told in a patriarchal blessing that they chose their parents in the preexistence. (See rumor, folk doctrine.)

patriarchal order  1. The principle of plural marriage. 2. The only true family pattern, in which the husband and father commands, and his wife and children rnust obey without question, even if the “patriarch” hasn’t the foggiest notion of what he’s doing. This is necessary because the process of arriving at consensus depends on the heretical notion that two opposing ideas can both have merit at the same time.

patriarticle blessing  A patriarchal blessing given to someone too young to understand what is going on.

P-Day  Preparation Day-the one day in each week when missionaries are allowed to pretend they are normal people.

perdition  A private hell for a small group of really spectacular sinners.

personal priesthood interview  The prize you get for having done your home teaching.

plural marriage  The family system in which a man marries a lotof women, so that each wife gets enough time away from her husband that she can get something useful done. (See polygamy.)

Mormon Polygamy

polygamy  The family system in which a lustful man surrounds himself with ever younger wives so that none of the older wives ever dares to gettoo uppity. (See plural marriage.)

prayer, family  A prayer that is held whenever the family is together all at once, usually once a week. Family prayers can last from thirty seconds to fifteen minutes, depending on the age of the person praying and whetherthe prayer is taking place before a meal.

prayer, personal  An almost sure home remedy for insomnia.

prayer, public  For most Saints, public prayer means acting as the voice for a whole congregation in speaking to the Lord. To some, however, it is a difficult and sophisticated art form, a four-part speech in which the speaker is perpetually confused about whether he is talking to the congregation or to God. For those who wish to become a master of this art and impress their friends, the parts of the prayer are: 1. Calling upon God. Little children call him Heavenly Father. Grown-ups generally call him Our Father in Heaven. People who know what’s what, however, know that the Lord only hears prayers if he is addressed loudly, firmly, and by elaborate titles. 2. Thanking. This is the part where the person who really knows how to pray usually congratulates the congregation for being better than nonmembers and the sinners who stayed home, and praises the Lord for recognizing their superior virtue by making them rich enough to build such a fancy meetinghouse. 3. Asking. In the closing prayer, or benediction, this is the part where the really talented speaker will repeat the main points ofevery single talk given in the meeting and add his comments to them as he asks the Lord to help the congregation remember what they learned. In an opening prayer, or invocation, this is the speaker’s opportunity to inform the Lord ofwhere the world needs fixing up and to tell the congregation what sins they ought to repent of. 4. Closing. The best prayers are not given in the mere name of Jesus Christ; they are given with as many titles as the speaker can muster. This is good practice for the celestial kingdom, where everyone will expectyou to address people by their official titles.

Prayerspeak  A highly elevated language used in Mormon prayers. It consists of a limited repertoire of incantatory phrases, a mystical vocabulary of long or archaic words that are rarely understood by anyone, and a grammar built around the misuse of the second person singular pronoun. 1. Incantatory phrases can range from a few words, like the sick and afflicted and the all-purpose bless that … and we thank thee for; to whole sentences, like, “Bless those who aren’t here this time that they may come next time”; “Bless us with all those blessings of which which we stand in need of”; and “We thank thee for this beautiful Sabbath day in which we have to come and worship thee.” These serve the function of surrounding the congregation with familiar sounds, letting them feel at home and comfortable in the meeting. (See also Let a portion of thy Spirit be with us.) 2. The mystical vocabulary consists of frequently repeated words like which, preserve, gracious, endeavor, numberless, and bounteous. Especially daring speakers even venture to use the really potent words: wast, wouldst, shalt, hath, hast, and art, to name a few. These words all derive from the English language, but they have lost all meaning. Rather, they are used to impart an aura of spirituality and exaltation to the prayer, and, when used, someone fluent in Prayerspeak, can make a perfectly common public prayer into an ecstatic musical experience. 3. The second person pronoun is usually used to refer to God, but where it once suggested intimacy and love, it now suggests the utmost distance and formality. Almost no one uses the nominative thou as it is used in English, however, and thee as a nominative sounds Quakerish. The most common solutions are either to mix up yous and thees and yours and thys willy-nilly, or to use thy as an all-purpose secondperson: “We are gratefUl that thy has permitted us to be members of thy Church, and we endeavor to seNe thy to the best of our ability.”

pre-existence  Where you committed all the sins you’re being punished for now.

priest  A junior or senior in high school who says the sacrament prayers, performs baptisms, plays basketball, and is constantly trying not to think about girls.

priestess  A title which has never been used in the Mormon Church, especially not for women who officiated in the temple rites, like Emma Smith, Eliza R. Snow, Bathsheba W. Smith, or Zina Diantha Huntington.

priesthood, the  1. The authority to perform ordinances and govern the Church in God’s name. Only males are ordained to the priesthood, and even then all their actions are subject to ratification from beyond the veil. Apparently women were worthier in the preexistence: They usually have some of the power of God as their birthright and, without being ordained, can take part in the work of creation. 2. All male members of the Church over twelve: ‘The priesthood did betterthan usual on the welfare assignment-five of us showed up.” 3. More specifically, all unmarried but marriageable male members of the Church: “I came to BYU because that’s where the priesthood is.” 4. Priesthood meeting: “Today in priesthood we talked about how to be a real leader in the home without actually having to be there.”

priesthood meeting  A contest in which priesthood holders pretend notto hearthe quorum leaders ask for volunteers for various jobs, after which all the members compete to see who can ask the question that has the least relation to the lesson.

Primary  The only organization in the Church in which women can preside over men. This is permissible because all they’re doing is teaching children, and that is women’s work anyway.

Principle, the  The doctrine that exaltation is impossible for men and women unless they are part of a plural marriage. In the 1800s, women sacrificed any hope of a peaceful, secure home and men gladly went to jailor lived in hiding for years in order to follow the Principle. Today, most Saints would willingly suffer even worse things in order to avoid it.

proof-texting  The notion that any group of words that occurs in the scriptures may be used to prove any idea, as long as you quote the words mostly in order, don’t leave out a section longer than seven verses, and clearly state that Joseph Smith said it, whether he did or not. It is also recommended, but not required, that the passage you quote have something to do with the idea you are quoting it to prove. After all, if the Lord didn’t mean it, he wouldn’t have said it.

prophet  Someone who has been entrusted with divine truth and spends his life finding ways to get people to listen.

proselyte  To go around taking awaypeople’s cigarettes until they learn how to say the Mr. Brown part of the discussions.

Provo  What the whole world might become if people would only repent.

Public Communications  Nowadays, Public Communications is to the prophet as Aaron was to Moses.

punishing  What the Lord is doing to your gentile neighbor when terrible misfortunes come. (See chastening, testing.)

purse or scrip  What missionaries used to go without, depending instead on the charity of strangers for food, clothing, and shelter. Now missionaries carry not only purse and scrip but a script as well, and if they are less reliant on the Lord, they make up for it by being much more efficient.

quorum  A group of men or boys who compete to see who can go the longest without volunteering to do anything.

radical  Before the presidency of HeberJ. Grant, what all Mormons were perceived by nonmembers to be. After all, they practiced polygamy, despised capitalism, insisted on equal rights for women under the law, and believed that the government had no right to interfere with people’s private sexual practices.

radically orthodox Mormon  A Latter-day Saint who believes without question only those doctrines that are clearly set forth in the standard works or that have been accepted as revelation by the uplifted hands of the Saints in General Conference. The radically orthodox Mormon takes part fully in all aspects of Mormon life, but does not believe that all Mormon customs are necessarily ordained by God; he or she will gladly try any suggestion for improvement, and gladly abandon any practice that does not work. Radically orthodox Mormons seek truth everwhere-in prayer, in gospel study, in Church meetings, and in the world-and will embrace any idea that is good; however, even though they are constantly learning, they almost never argue about doctrine because their faith is that God will make clear what must be clear, and if there is a difference of opinion, God will resolve it when resolution becomes necessary to ourexaltation. Radically orthodox Mormons would give up anything, including their lives, if the Lord required it, but will not give up one friend for the sake of winning an argument. It is practically impossible to tell a radically orthodox Mormon from an orthodox one; it may well be that no one is radically orthodox in all aspects of life. But the difference between them is profound, for while both are meek and teachable, the one listens while the other also sees. (See orthodox Mormon.)

reactivate  To make life so miserable for an inactive Mormon that to escape your constant visits and unbearable cheerfulness, he begins to come to church again.

rebellious spirit  What tempts some Mormons to think before doing what they’re told.

rebuking betimes with sharpness  Getting righteously indignant at someone who just isn’t doing things the right way. In other words, what it is when I’m telling you what to do. (See unrighteous dominion.)

Reformed Egyptian  When your child writes home from BYU complaining about the impossible final exam in Reformed Egyptian 301, you know it’s time to start packing your handcart for Jackson County.

Relief Society  The organization to which the priesthood delegates any assignment that is tedious or unpleasant, or that must be done right and on time.

Relief Society president  The only person in the ward besides the custodian who can always be counted on to know what is going on.

Reliefsocietese  The dialect ofsweetness. The language is spoken in its most refined form by persons who are, have been, orwant to be in a Relief Society presidency, but it is also spoken by parents of children who are misbehaving in church, any speakerwho is talking to Mormon teenagers, and anyone who doesn’t like you but has to work with you anyway. It can only be spoken while smiling, and only positive things can be said. Thus the English sentence, “You really botched the assignment,” would be translated into Reliefsocietese as, “You’re just such a choice individual, and I’m so very prOUd ofyou for doing the best you could. And Ijust know that next time you’ll do even better,” and the English sentence, “Will you please be quiet so we can get back to the lesson?” is rendered in Reliefsocietese as, “We’re all so very grateful foryour special ideas, and we’ll just for sure plan a special day really soon when we’ll have a chance to hear all about them.” While it takes years of practice to become fluent in this dialect you can fake it right from the start by imitating the expression of rapture found in Renaissance madonna paintings and saying special, choice, just, or so very at least once in every sentence.

Reorganized Church  The only nonkinky offshoot of Mormonism,

the Reorganized  Church maintains a relationship of uneasy co-existence with Salt Lake City, which means that it is all right to be seen talking with a Reorganite as long as you don’t do it too often.

RM  What every good Latter-day Saint girl wants to marry. Specifically, a male returned missionarywho talks about nothing but the gospel and thinks about nothing but women.

road show  A ten-minute musical play in which as many teenagers as possible are crammed onto a tiny stage where they sing silly songs while swaying back and forth with their arms raised above their heads. This is done in order to acquaint Mormon youth with Shakespeare’s art.

rock, the  The missionaries’ nickname for the old Language Training Mission, showing that missionaries are more perceptive than they’re usually given credit for. (See School of the Prophets.)

rumors  The most popular source of spiritual refreshment in the Church. Rumors come in several basic categories: 1. Political endorsements. Particularly popular among Republicans, these usually take the form of harmless stories in which a prophet slyly lets it be known that he hopes the Saints vote for a particular conservative candidate. In its nastier form, these are rumors that a candidate, usually a Democrat, is not a good Mormon. These rumors are still believed despite the fact that several recent victims of such attacks in Utah politics have promptly been called to be mission presidents or to serve as advisers to the Brethren on various questions. 2. Prophecies are being fulfilled. These include rumors that the Church has bought a temple site in Jerusalem; that a particular apostle has been promised he will be president of the Church at the Second Coming; that one or both of the Two Prophets have been identified in their patriarchal blessings; that a major earthquake on the Wasatch Fault in Utah will soon herald the beginning of the end; that missionaries are secretly establishing branches of the Church in Russia and China; and that recently, while they were officially on business somewhere else, all the General Authorities secretly flew to Jackson County, Missouri, to meet with the Savior and Adam in preparation for building the New Jerusalem. 3. Silencing. The rumor that some General Authority or BYU religion professor has been commanded not to publish or speak publicly because he has been teaching false doctrine or letting out important secrets. 4. Closet liberals. In this rumor, some apostle has confidentially told someone (who obviously did not deserve the confidence) that he secretly approves of Dialogue, Mormons for ERA, Sterling M. McMurrin, or some other generally frowned-on publication, group, or individual. Among Fundamentalists and ultraconservative Mormons, of course, it is the other side of the coin; rumor usually has it that “closet Fundamentalist” apostles are secretly practicing or calling others to practice plural marriage, blood atonement, or the United Order. 5. In and out. Especially popular in the Church Office Building are rumors that this General Authority or that one is on the rise or definitely slipping in power and influence among the Brethren. Whenever an apostle or member ofthe First Presidency dies, within hours there are ghoulish groups speculating on who will probably fill the vacant spot. As a general rule, the source of most rumors that rurn out to be false is wishful thinking.

run and not be weary, walk and not faint  The first part is what children under five can do from dawn to dusk. The second is what their mother prays for the strength to do for just one more hour. Nowadays, Public Communications is to the prophet as Aaron was to Moses.

sacrament  The ordinance in which the child at the beginning of the row touches all the bread with his slobbery hands before finally taking a piece, the person who hands you the water tray tips it so it spills allover your lap, and the child in front of you keeps making a popping noise with her plastic cup throughout the rest of the meeting. People who can keep their thoughts holy during all that are invariably translated before the end of the meeting.

sacrament meeting  The hour when the Lord receives the tired, the discouraged, the fearful, the ashamed, and gives them hope.

Salt lake City  The center of the world. salvation Resurrection from the dead. Mormons regard it as a pretty ordinary gift, since it is automatically granted to everyone who ever lived, even Democrats.

Saturday’s Warrior  The funhouse mirror through which thousands of Mormons choose to see themselves.

savage misogynist  To a Mormon feminist, this is an all-purpose term of abuse which can be applied to men whose sins range from thinking it is better to wait to give women the priesthood until after God has given his OK, to thinking that women should get the priesthood right after men are given the power to have babies and suckle their young.

savages  What Mormon pioneers called Lamanites who didn’t cooperate.

School of the Prophets  What teachers and administrators like to call the Missionary Training Center. (See rock, the.)

scripture  To normal Mormons, anything that is divided into numbered verses and says “yea” and “behold” everynowand then. To fervent believers, anything said by a General Authority. To fanatics, anything printed in Salt Lake City.

seagulls  A raucous scavenger bird with no sense of decorum, which is the state bird of Utah because of its habit of gorging itself, regurgitating and coming back to eat again.

Section 121  (See we have learned by sad experience.)

seer stone  Every Mormon child has heard about the urim and thummim, but almost no one is ever told about the seer stone, probably because the urim and thummim had more class. After all, great prophets had once owned the urim and thummim, while Joseph Smithjust picked up the seer stone from the ground one day and kept it in his hat. It looked for all the world like an ordinary rock, not at all impressive, so no doubt the seer stone was only used to translate the dull sections of the Book of Mormon.

semi-active  (See active.)

Seminaries and Institutes  The Mormon equivalent of medieval monasteries, manned by scholars who sacrifice all hope of wealth and dedicate their lives to discovering all the secrets of the universe so they can impart them to boys and girls who don’t understand them anyway.

seminary  Where you got all the doctrines that you can’t find anywhere in the scriptures.

service project  The festive springtime ritual in which teenage Mormon boys and girls descend upon the home of a defenseless widow, trample her garden, break down her fence, and gouge chunks out of her lawn, all in order to paint large sections of the walls and windows of her house a color that she doesn’t like.

services and activities committee  The people responsible for planning activities for ward members to stay away from. A really effectivecommitteeplans five orsix fantastic-sounding eventsayear but doesn’t advertise them until the day after they took place, at which time they tell the ward members what a wonderful activity it was. Thus the ward members get the satisfaction of knowing they live in a close, affectionate, fun-loving ward without having the trouble of attending anything, and the committee gets the satisfaction of ajob well done without having to do any work.

set apart  The point of no return: Once you’re set apart, you can’t turn down the calling.

seventy  The office of the priesthood whose sole function is to feel guilty about not doing enough missionary work. A good seventies quorum will feel so guilty that the rest of the members of the ward don’t need to feel any guilt for months, even years on end.

shake the dust off your feet  What missionaries do in order to trigger the destruction of towns, homes, and dry cleaning establishments that offend them.

signify by the usual sign  Mormons communicate many things with special physical signs ofgreat significance. For instance, closed eyes and a nodding head signify, “My, what an interesting talkl” An upraised righthand signifies, “Thank heaven I didn’t get called to do that.” And picking up a screaming child and carrying him or her out of a meeting signifies, “The auction is beginning. What am I bid for this child?”

Sister  The Mormon equivalent of Ms. It is used equally to refer to married and unmarried women. While Brother is used to refer only to those male Mormons who do not hold high positions, Sister can be used to refer to any adult Mormon woman from the general president of the Relief Society to the humblest ward member; whether this is because women are more democratic or because no woman is regarded as having genuinely high status in the Church I dare not guess.

sistern  The old female equivalent of brethren, now out of use, perhaps because of the unfortunate pun.

solemn assembly  What the average sacrament meeting speaker is met with when he tries to make a joke.

son of perdition  Judging from the fact that the Lord hasn’t mentioned any daughters of perdition, this looks like one more position that only men can hold.

Spaulding theory  The theory that every boy who touches a basketball one thousand times in the cultural hall will eventually go on a mission.

Special Interest   A vocational training course for ministering angels.

spirit of contention  What it is when you disagree with a Church leader. (See spirit of love.)

spirit of love  What it is when a Church leader disagrees with you. (See spirit of contention.)

Spirit of Contention

“… You attack me with the ‘spirit of contention’ …
And I counter with the ‘spirit of love‘ … Check!”

spirit prison  Where the missionaries will finally get to visit all the people who never answered their doors. stake An organization with no congregation. Half the people in your ward that you think are inactive or dead just have stake callings.

stake conference  The famous Mormon Mother Survival Test, in which participants are required to tend at least three children for two whole hours, struggling to keep them quiet on metal chairs in a room with an incredibly loud echo. There is no requirement that mothers be sane afterward, or even ambulatory They only have to have a pulse and still be able to find the Cheerios bag within five minutes upon request.

stake house (obs.)  The old term for a stake center. It was changed because too many nonmembers were getting the wrong idea about what Mormons did on Sunday, for what they heard was: “Oh, I’ve just been over to the steak house.”

standard works  The only books that every Mormon owns, every Mormon believes, every Mormon quotes, and every Mormon has read-except for Second Nephi, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and everything in the Old Testament after the fifth chapter of Job.

sticks  What Mormon young men call their scriptures to show they’re familiar enough with them to use their nickname, yet don’t understand them well enough to refer to them with respect.

straightand narrowpath, the  What Iam walking on, no matter how many bends and turns I take.

strait is the gate, and narrow is the way  A warning that there will be long lines to get into the celestial kingdom, unless someone who went on ahead is saving you a place.

strong testimony  What they tell Mormon girls that Mormon boys are looking for in a woman.

study it out in your mind  What Oliver Cowdery was told to do if he wanted to understand hidden things. Mormons, remembering that Cowdery was later excommunicated, perform this dangerous operation sparingly, and only in winter or in times of famine.

stupor of thought  What the Lord puts in the minds of BYU students to let them know their teacher has written an unrighteous test.

Sunstone  An unofficial magazine for Mormons. Circulation remains small. For a good Mormon the three official Church magazines and the Reader’s Digest are quite enough.

sustaining  When your fellow Saints raise their hands to accept you in your new calling: a moment of fame before the panic sets in.

swearing  What it’s called when you use some of the words the early Brethren used.

sweet spirit  The worst thing you can call a Mormon girl.

Tabernacle, the  A building with perfect acoustics-as long as the guide makes sure you’re standing in the right place; beautiful oak benches-made ofpine; and lovely marble pillars—made of painted wood. The Tabernacle has remained the epitome of Mormon art and architecture.

take you to the temple  If a boy can’t do it, a Mormon girl can’t date him.

teacher  Teachers never get to see how their work turns out. They never know if they made any difference at all, for good or ill. They just put their small pieces in the mosaic of their student’s lives. And yet together teachers have more influence over the way Mormons experience the Church than any other mortal agent.

telestial kingdom  1. The only place in the hereafter where no one will be surprised to see anyone except himself. 2. The only place in the hereafter where you won’t have to make a bunch of new friends. 3. The only place in the hereafter where there will be enough Mormons to hold a really good softball tournament.

temple  The place of the sharing of gifts. The Saints offer to the Lord their time and seNice in helping those who cannot help themselves. In exchange, the Lord gives the Saints a retreat from the world, a place where time slows down and familiar rituals teach the body what the mind may not yet be able to learn.

temple recommend  The Church’s equivalent of a good credit report.

Temple Square  The place where tourists who thought they were getting away from it all discover they’re just getting into it. terrestrial kingdom The eternal dwelling place of those who did everything they were told without once wondering why.

testimony  An attempt to explain in words what words cannot explain, to people who cannot understand you unless they already know.

testimony meeting  An hour of embarrassed silence, interrupted periodically when at least three people get up to speak at precisely the same moment.

testing  What the Lord is doing when terrible misfortunes happen to me. (See also chastening, punishing.)

thou  The second person singular pronoun in English. If you occasionally use the second person singular correctly in your prayers, people in the ward will think you made a mistake. If you use it often, they’ll think you’re a bit odd. If you use it elegantly and consistently, they’ll think you’re a self-righteous prig.

Three Nephites  Translated beings with miraculous power to fix cars, deliver out-of-town newspapers, give directions to Mormons in need, and then disappear.

tithing  The celestial kingdom annual activity fee.

tracting  What missionaries do whenever they can’t find any members to visit.

translated being  Someone who got out of this world alive.

translated correctly  What the Bible wasn’t wherever it refutes my argument.

trunky  The normal state of a Mormon missionary.

truth  What the Saints will have all of, as soon as it clears Correlation.

Two Prophets, the  According to prophecy, two prophets will preach in Jerusalem, be murdered, and after their bodies have lain in the streets for three days, will rise from the dead. You can’t understand Mormons until you realize that every Mormon boy, at some time or another, has secretly hoped that he would grow up to be of the Two Prophets.

two-years’ supply  If half the Church would get a two-years’ supply instead of one, the rest of us could ignore the whole thing and the Church would be, on the average, obedient.

United Order  The economic system in which communities of Saints owned everthing in common, back in the days before it was revealed that capitalism is the way things are handled in heaven.

unrighteous dominion  Trying to impose your will on someone by coercion instead of persuasion, by breaking down resistance instead of by “gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned.” In other words, what it is when you are telling me what I should do. (See rebuking betimes with sharpness.)

urim and thummim  What the prophets have always had to make do with because BYU’s Computer Translation people weren’t ready yet.

Utah Mormon  Someone who isn’t excited to see a temple or a General Authority but is shocked to see a real live Mormon missionary on the street.

veil, the  The barrier between us and our identity our past our future, and our God. The prophets keep telling us how thin and easily torn the veil is, but most of us treat it like an electric fence.

"We will indeed be passing through into the next life fully clothed ... will we not?"

“We will indeed be passing through into
the next life fully clothed … will we not?”

 

vision  Without vision, the people perish, the scripture says. With vision, however, the people have nowhere near as much fun. Forthis reason, vision has never been much in demand.

visiting teachers  The only difference between visiting teachers and home teachers is that the visiting teachers are women, and they come every month.

visitors’ center  A museum filled with the finest of Mormon art all painted by non-Mormon artists.

ward conference  The meeting during which you are terrified that the bishopric will call on you to speak, and after which you are miffed that they did not.

ward teachers  What people over forty call the home teachers.

we have learned by sad experience  The beginning of a quotation from D&C 121, which speaks of unrighteous dominion. If someone starts getting bossy and officious, Mormons simply begin quoting this passage: “We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition ofalmost all men … ” It is rarely necessary to complete the quotation before the officiousness stops and the full-fledged argument begins.

welfare farm  A living museum where Mormons come to learn why migrant workers are essential to the economy.

welfare project  What your quorum has planned for you on the Saturday you thought you would just lie around and relax.

A wicked and adulterous generation!

wicked and adulterous generation  Anyone who insists that you show where in the scriptures it says the doctrine you’ve been arguing for.

Wickedness never was happiness  A synonym for “I told them so,” used when people who don’t live the way you think they should, have some terrible misfortune.

will of the Lord  The reason why I am rich and you are poor. (See bad luck.)

wine  What Mormons will go to any length to prove that no righteous person in scripture or Church history ever drank.

Word of Wisdom  The whole world knows that Mormons don’t use tobacco or drink alcohol, tea, or coffee. However, the Word of Wisdom also includes a system of dietary laws that remain a wellkept secret. Latter-day Saints remain in perfect health because they know these simple principles: 1. Any kind of junk food will be good for you ifyou drink a can of V-8 within a half hour. 2. If you drink a diet soft drink during dinner, dessert will have no calories. 3. Walking to church is as much exercise as running five miles. 5. Each loaf of bread you bake makes up for selling your family three TV dinners. 6. A thin body is an abomination unto the Lord. Because of careful observance of these and other principles, all righteous Saints are beautiful, svelte, muscular, healthy specimens ofthe one creature made in the image of God.

work for the dead  A labor most Saints leave up to those who are nearly dead themselves.

worlds  What we’re going to spend eternity creating after we blow up the one we’re on.

Y,the  Among Mormons, BYU. Everywhere else in the world, the local YMCA.

year’s supply  Enough containers of wheat honey, powdered milk, and dried fruit. to last a family for a year. Actually, the average family will only need a four-month supply. since it takes one month toger hungry enough to eat that stuff, and after four months of eating nothing else, most family members would rather die.

yellow dog  When the Saints go back to Jackson County, the animal that will not be there to wag its tail at them.

Young Adults  Mormons at that awkward age when they’re too old to be told what to do anymore and too single to be given any real responsibility.

youth, the  Mormon teenagers—the hope of the future. To prepare them for the great responsibilities that lie ahead of them, the girls are trained to be competent wives and mothers and the boys are trained to play basketball and tie knots.

ZCMI  The correlated department store. If they sell a piece of clothing at ZCMI, it must be modest enough for a Mormon woman to wear.

Zion  Where the pure in heart dwell with such perfect love that no one is poor among them. Also a bank, a bookstore, a coin company, an energy company, an upholsterer, a TV and radio repair service, a real estate office, and an insurance agency.