Special Living Lessons for Relief Society Sisters
by Laurie Mecham Johnson

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SPOUTINGS FROM THE SPAWN!!!
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Of the Parley P. Pratt Park South Fourth
Ward’s Relief Society President
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Volume One, As Usual Issue:  Whatever!

POPCORN POPPING FROM THE PRESIDENT’S MOUTH

crystal[p.44]Hi! Well, surprise and everything, it’s Crystal!!! Sorr-EEE, but my mom is like totally sick and has been hurling like for days. Excuse me, but like talk about EMBARRASSING!!!

Anyways, I’m SOOO lucky (NOT) because she thought she could do her little newsie-shmoozy letter, but HELLO, like it is totally IMPOSSIBLE when you’re hanging in the bowl and everything. So, I get the THRILL of writing the weekly TAB be- [p.45]cause I’m the only one home.

So this is all last-minute, so like I’m sorry if you don’t like it or anything, but this whole thing totally escapes me. Just be glad it isn’t you!!! If this is all like wrong and stuff, well—just deal with it—because I have not started coming to relief society yet because frankly I don’t think its much of a RELIEF, OK? Me and Shirree call it “Mid-Life M.I.A.” No offense or anything, but I don’t rilly relate to church that much even.

O.K., the Maternal One says to make sure I say something rilly spiritchal. Whatever! Oh, I know, I DID rilly like seminary my junior year, cuz Brother Cramer was rilly bitchin’! Me and Shirree are all, “HELLO! Who IS this?” I mean, I know we are all s’posed to be, like gods someday, but Brother Cramer’s already there, as far as his face goes!!! Plus, he didn’t care if we were like late and everything. So we were all grateful and stuff because Brother Henderson was all SNORE CITY and a total freak in the looks department. Plus, he was all quilting us out and lecturing all the time about being chased. Like, why should we be so worried about being chased? He’s all, “Be chased on dates. Be chased in your dress. Be chased when you’re walking around the house.” Hell-O! Like, how hard can you play it? I mean, can you just WALK sometimes? Whatever. He must have been like on the track team or something.

O.K., so my mother is still spewing, but she’s all on my case to write the announcements and everything.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES

I’m s’posed to excuse Sister DeRiguer. (Perhaps for her fashion crimes?) Sorry if this seems all mean, but like, “the truth shall make you free,” so just deal with it.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

[p.46]If no one shows up to give the lesson this week, mom says you are all supposed to read it in your manuals on Mutual For The Matronly. (Hello, KIDDING! I mean Relief Society) and discuss it yourselves. (AS IF!) Mother says it is in Forever Families, Lesson 15, “Teaching Children to Be Chased.” (Like, this is a total OBSESSION or something!! I’m totally serious!!!)

That is all I rilly have for the Losers Letter. Oh, I’m s’posed to do a thought for the week.

cross

O.K.!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Here is MY thought: I think that when you get in Relief Society they ought to at least let you do something, you know, like some special privilege or extra power or something like the boys have. I mean, they’re all, “You can bake all the bread you want, but you just can’t, like, pass it to anyone.”

Well, my mom is all worried, but she’s still blowing chunks and like she doesn’t trust that I’ll get this finished and printed and everything, like—does anyone CARE? She said I’m s’posed to make sure I finish by saying something rilly nice and sweet (GAG!!!) I don’t know. I just basically think that church is dumb, but like, I know it’s true.

P. S.

Hey, O.K., I just rillized that I haven’t given a TIP for Menopausal Mutual. O.K., well, I rilly think that it’s important to, like RECYCLE and everything. And I know how you Matrons love to make Handicap. So, I came up with a great way to recycle and decorate with stuff that you aren’t using anymore! I made a picture so you can figure it out for yourself. (You DO have glue guns, right?)
[p.47]

decorate with stuffa great way to recycle and decorate
with stuff that you aren’t using anymore!