Special Living Lessons for Relief Society Sisters
by Laurie Mecham Johnson
Preposterance from the R. S. President of
Volume one Issue nine
[A Personal Note of Apologizing]
JUST SKIP THIS PART!
I wish I did not have to write this note today because of the shame in which has been brought upon my name by the fruit of my loins. But before I can progress any further, I must extenuate a deep apology unto everyone and her sister.
Last week, when I was experiencing a personal upheaval, I intrusted this, our newsletter, unto my inexperienced and untied daughter, Crustal, who preceded in making a mockery of the special things in which we share vis a vie the newsletter. All I can do is ask for your pardon. Who among us has not experienced the uppers and downers of teens? Perhaps you can look back upon your own turgid adolescence and find it within yourself to outreach the hand of forgiveness for Crystal’s youthful malfeasance as it does pertain unto the newsletter.
I, for one, would like to put this memory behind the back of my mind. So, please do accept the apologies of myself and Crystal, who has written an anguished cry for amnesty below:
“Well sorry. And like, excuse me!!!”
(Thank you, Crystal. I do love and appreciate you…and all that you have done to my life.)
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START READING HERE
Dear Strange Sister: We are indeed greatful unto have you join with us in our Relief Society. We hope that you will be as happy to be with us as we hope we are with you!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
The most important thing in Life [p.49]is FORGIVENESS.
“Let she who is without sin cast the first stone upon the water.”
THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN EXCUSED AHEAD OF TIME:
We would like unto extend the hand of excusing unto Sister DaNae Deneuve who is overseeing the birth of her daughter, Diedre.
THOSE WHO NEED NO EXCUSE:
There will be no Relief next week as we have a special lesson in which we will meet with the Priest hood. Brother DeBunk from the Church Headquarters Piblic Relations Department will be teaching a special Gospel Doctring Class entitled, “The Errors of Our Leaders: Sacred, not Secret.”
[p.50]SPECIAL WOMANLY VALUES
Once again, we do have a neat new value in which we will add unto our list. And Sisters, these Values do help us unto attain the highest honor that can be bestowed upon Woman, that of Womanhood. And so, our Special Womanly Values are:
The Shunning of Moisture in All of its Forms.
And now, do learn and remember our FINAL SPECIAL WOMANLY VALUE:
Do Always Be Feminine In All That You Do Do.
Today’s lesson will be “Home and Family Control Lesson 12,” which is, “Helping Our Children to Have an Approved Gender.” And sisters, as I pondered upon this lesson, I thought of the important role in which Mothers do have in rounding out the shape of their children. We must start at the beginning, with identity. For example: It is important unto give girls very feminine names, such as LaNae, LaDawn, and LaNette. And boys should receive manly names such as LeGrand, LaVon and LeVere.
As we have received news of several husbands and wives in our Stake becoming uncoupled, we encourage the good women of Our Ward to evaluate their marriages and look within. The Priesthood is also considering this and they have a correspondent lesson on “How to Get Your Wife Re-Committed.”
BIRTHS, CALLINGS, DEATHS AND OTHER TRAGEDIES
[p.51]We would like at this time unto extend the hand of sympathy unto the Nelson family, who have recent experience with the death of a Mother-in-Law. The Nelsons are not members of The Church, but they are good people, and we assume that their sorrow is very near unto the feelings in which we might experience, but, of course, without the hope of eternal salvation. And this would be an especially fruitful time in which unto extend the hand of fellowshipping to this fine non-member family.
Our TIP for This Week is
“LIVING WITHOUT A MAN”
(May we never need it!):
Try Taking a Course in Auto Mechanics, So That You Can Learn How to Care For Your Own Car. Suggested Study Subjects:
—Waxing after Washing
—Filling Up at the Self-Serve
—Emergency Road Repairs with Items in Your Purse