Special Living Lessons for Relief Society Sisters
by Laurie Mecham Johnson
Propensity from the R. S. President of
Volume one Issue ten
[p.52]Hello! (hello) Hello! (hello) We Welcome you today! Isn’t it just neat to be in Relief Society on such a beautiful morning? (I apologize if it turns out to be actually not beautiful.)
Though for the Weak
The most important thing in life is to stay close in The Gospel (but without touching).
We will all especially enjoy the Generic Conference Lesson, which will be pronounced later in Relief Society.
The Relief Society Sisters have cast off clothing of all types. They can be seen in the cultural hall on Saturday morning.
A Special Announcement
—For Those Who’ve Been Called By The Lord Unto Be Visiting Teachers:
—Escpecially to the Sisters whose lagging behinds: Our reports of the last few months have been source of embarrassment unto the Parley P. Park South Fourth Ward. We should be a model of executing leadership. If one Sister falls by-the-way side, the burden weighs upon all of our reflections. No other success can condensate our failure to fillfill our duties one unto another. So, if you are one of the Visiting Teachers who have tarnished our repudiation and have not yet gone out and visited with your Sisters this month, our report will once again fall short. Please, repent of your lack daisy attitude and so we can remove the shame in which we have felt.
[p.53]A Little Reminder:
We should ALL be on Visiting Teacher Message Number 9, “Overcoming Feelings of Guilt.”
Sisters, we do have a special warning this week, just for us. It seems that there has been a bit of a fad starting, that of beginning a lesson by telling a joke. While this has long been practiced by The Priesthood, we Sisters should rise above such mischief, since it is just not becoming those of feminine persuit. We need to be careful that we do not imitate the Brethren. Remember: “If the Lord had wanted us to have a sense of humor, He would have given us one.”
—For those of you Sisters Who just can’t seem unto Get Organized, Sister Kitty DeClawd will be doing a craft project on “Displaying Craft Supplies In Decorative Shadow Boxes.”
—We will have a cooking demonstration in Homemaking which, fortunately, will not require the use of the hot plate again. But our table has been repaired! Sister DeMentia will be [p.54]teaching us all how unto make delicious refreshing mixed drinks without alcohol! Recipes will be given for such tempting treats as virgin pina coladas, virgin daiquiris, Virgin Marys, and virgin Jell-O shooters.
—Many of you have asked about the lovely scripture covers in which Sister Debris has been toting about, so she has consented to help us with that activity. If you would like to participate and make of your own Scripture covers, you will need unto bring to Homemaking: A twelve inch square of felt, in your choice of hue, and twenty-five yards of eyelet lace.
—Now, some of our younger Sisters have expressed concerns, saying, “Sister AlaMode, this is the Relief Society and it should be our tradition to give comfort and relief unto poor and troubled peoples of the world.” For these sisters I reply that we do indeed recognize our responsibility (and we would not want you young Sisters leaving The Church and joining the [p.55]world), so in this spirit, in Homemaking this week we will be tole painting greeting cards to send to the people of Bosnia.
If you are not blessed with an eternal mate with eternal offspring from your loins, you may find comfort in expressing your maternal desires with homeless pets or by raising a plant from seed! Remember to count every blessing, no matter how small!
A Special Announcement
My dear Sisters, after our Brief Conference Lesson we will have time for the baring of testimonies. If you would bare yours, plan on coming up unto the podium or just standing in your seats. Now, I do not wish for you to think that I am ungrateful if I do not stand on my knees, but you Sisters know how sedimental I get. I will just give my testimony here at this time.
[p.56]There are just a pavilion things for which I am grateful. As I was lying in bed next to the Priesthood last night, I was thinking of all of these blessings and how I love my husband and I know he is true and am so grateful that he is Endowed. And inspite of the wicked voices that I hear, I can tell you that I have a sure witness and testimony that Joseph Smith was the first president of the Church.
I am grateful for so many things. For our beloved Senator Hatch and for all the great work in which he does to protect and preserve the over regularity of the nutritional supplements industry and I know there are millions of AMWAY and NU-skin distributors all throughout the Church who are grateful as well. And I am also indeed thankful for his diligent work in protecting us from the evils of Equal Access in our public schools. I am grateful for our dear Congressman Sister Enid Greene (Waldholtz). She has certainly opened my eyes in being excepting of those sisters who are divorced through no fault of their own.
Now, I have a very special friend who is not a member of the Church, but who is a very wonderful person all the same and she is always saying unto me, “Fonda, wake up and smell the coffee,” but I do not want to break of the Word of Wisdom. But lately, through associating with you, my Sisters, I just feel as though my consciousness has been erased and my mind has been opened up for all kinds of new ideas to fall in, some of which has been shown in this Newsletter.
Sisters, I do realize that sooner or later I will be released as your Relief Society President and that this Letter will be written by the hand of another, but, Sisters, it has been a great and glorious service in which I have given in this Ward. I feel that I am not worthy unto serve the least of you, my Sisters, and I want you to know the Relief Society is just so important unto me. I feel it is the underpinning of the Church that connects us all—like an underwire that runs through and crosses our hearts. When my spirits are sagging, you offer great support; when I fall flat, you uplift and separate me from my doubts. You keep abreast of my needs, implanting in me a firm resolve to go forth and Augment what I already feel in my bosom. Sisters, there are so many who look at us in the Church and just hoot and holler and knock us for what we believe, but I want you to know that you have helped me to handle all of the hooters and Knockers in the world. I am not padding the truth when I say that my cup is truly full.
[p.58]Now, I am sorry that I have taken up most of the space in the Newsletter this week and I hope that does not offend anyone. Anyways, in case I forget, make sure that when the roll is passed around in Relief Society that you will just remember to check of it to prove that you were here in the Afterlife. And those of you who are going to be participating in the Homemaking activities, if you just please do check of that column so we will be prepared. And before I turn in my quarterly report, if there is anyone here with which I must make amendments, please just check the “I Was Offended” column, and so, for now, goodbye. Amen, and Amen.